It's just to much!

It's been some time since I've posted. It seems like my life keeps changing every 5 minutes! Aren't things supposed to start being more stable when you hit your 30's?!? I wish I had something witty or clever to write about, I am not in that place right now. But here's the latest! Sooo....I have two job leads that came down this week and all of the sudden everything is moving so fast. I have been trying to coordinate doing my actual job and these two opportunities at the same time! Well, both look good, I do want one of them a little more then the other one, but I am willing to take which ever one comes first and make that the decision maker. However, things may get a little bit sticky. Ok, let me explain... the position I really want is with a company that is one of our biggest clients right now (and the person I am talking about it with is through a networking thing and not a position I actually applied for), therefore, they need to talk it over with the president of my company for purposes of "client sensitivity" d'oh!!! We both didn't know this was going to come down the pipes, but apperently that's who the executives at Company B want to do this! Now the president (where I currently work) is going to know I'm looking - after just 8 months of being there, so even if it doesn't work out, he will know I was looking. Well this is just going to have to be the risk I take. If I don't risk anything, I don't get anything. And ooooh if he stands in my way, there will be some ugliness !! But after talking with this individual for a while (who really seemed to be going to bat for me) we decided that you have to do what makes you happy, and bottom line is I am not happy here. Stay tuned!

In other news, I am going to the bay area next week for Orthodox easter. I will be spending 4 days with people who have not had meat or chocolate for 55 days - I am afraid of how much food will be in front of me - at all times! lol Let me just tell you a little bit about fasting in the Orthodox faith, at the end of it, those people go on a week long EATATHON - it is a bit scary. Anyway, I hope it will be a nice chance to see some friends I have not seen in so long and catch up and - yes - of course - EAT:) But of course that means double cardio and tennis at the gym!!

This trip I am going to do something I have not been successful with in last trips back home. I am going to try and refrain from seeing or making any contact with him... yes there is always a him (or her I guess) the one that makes you weak, the one that makes you not think right or logical or with any damn sense. That one. Well, yes, that one is there and it's so much easier not to dwell on him when he is so far away, but going home and knowing I am so close, yes, you guessed it, makes me weak again:( I'm still trying to figure out how best to deal with him, I'm still trying to figure out how to be rational and still protect my heart. I'm still trying to figure out if he can stay in my life as a freind or if that is just not going to be possible for us. It's the kind of situation where sometimes I see hope and other times I see that I just need to let go. My heart doesn't want to let go but my mind is thinking that maybe it's time to do just that. (I really want my heart to win, but my heart doesn't know how to pick up the broken pieces when things don't go as planned). Dealing with him has always been, shall I say "special". He is not typical that's for sure. I've actually had to cut off my friendship for a time with him until I learned that I have to deal with him in a certein way or keep certien things in mind about him and sometimes I didn't understand it (and still don't) but he was important enough to me to put forth that effort for. I knew I didn't want to lose him, and I was even good at just being his friend, but we kept crossing lines, and we all know what happens when you cross lines...yep...your damn heart don't know the difference!!! So, yes, here we are again. And I am going to try and restrain myself, but if I grant myself the pleasure of seeing him, being with him and enjoying his presense it will be on my terms this time.

When things are bad...

OK, you want to know when shit is BAD??? ...when you have already drafted a resignation letter in anticipation... and this is what gets you through your day! Yes, I have a letter sitting in my mailbox ready to go - maybe after I have confirmed a new position, and maybe before that if it continues to get worse. Either way....the letter is ready and waiting. Waiting for what? We shall soon find out.

Foreign Travel

I've recently been thinking about one of the major constraints of my current employment situation and the way I have to schedule time every time I want to do personal things. I thought about one of the biggest hinderences this causes and one of my revalations was that I could not travel as much as I would like to - due to scheduling restraints. I also thought that if I did have the time, where would I go? I thought that I really haven't been to very many places outside of the U.S. This is something I want to change and one of my goals. I went to Egypt last year and I keep thinking about how I am going to go back. I had the time of my life, but this is easy for me because I have family there and this makes the whole overseas travel thing easier. But that is a big trip to make and if I keep going back there, I've been thinking I really won't be able to visit other places, I think I should start venturing out more. So now I am going to make it a personal goal to try and visit a new foreign place any time I can find the time and resources to travel. I've been to Africa and the Caribbean (and if you count Tijuana, then Mexico lol). But that's about it. Here is the new goal, to try and visit, at the least, each continent. More incentive to break free from my corporate jail! Any one need a travel partner?:)

A moment of contemplation...

I had already started a different post today, but decided not to publish it. Enough with the complaints of my current employment situation! I am tired of writing about it so I am sure you all are tired of hearing about it (if there is anyone who really reads this). I started it while I was at work, so in case it ends up being published, that is my disclaimer, I wrote AT work:). Work aside, things are OK right now, I would say that I am not unhappy, maybe even content - but I can't completely say that I feel fulfilled. I think about all the areas in my life - my career, my love life, my personal space, my health, my friends, my accomplishments and my attempts at exploring new things. I feel that in many of these areas there is something else that I want or that I am looking for. I feel that I should be doing something different but the struggle right now is to get to it. I know it is all up to me, but as I said...it's the struggle. What I wonder, is there ever a time when I would be completely satisfied, completely fulfilled? It seems that if that were to happen, I wouldn't have anything to strive for. But I guess that's the difference between being just being content with the status quo and seeking fulfillment.

Waiting for some excitement...

I'm still waiting for something exciting to happen to me...I feel like I am going through a "slow" period. I"m beginning to think that the lack of interest and discontent in my professional affairs is spilling over in to my personal ones. There is one thing that happened that I am excited about...but I don't want to think about it to much until something actually happens.
My mother and my sister came down to southern cali to visit me this weekend, (it's always to much shopping with those ladies)! I went to church with my mother for the first time in a loong time(it was her birthday, what can i say:)). Anyhow, I met someone at church who I used to know a loooong time ago. One thing lead to another and talk got in to "work talk" and it turns out he may be able to help me out. He works as a consultant in the same field of work that I am looking for. We had a good conversation, we realized we were on the same page and I ended up sending him my resume! So now I just have to sit back and wait. Yes momma, I see what happens when I go to church! You know we had that conversation in the car on the way home:) Anyway, wish me luck everyone!!!! I need many postive thoughts and prayers! Things like this don't happen to me, I don't get this lucky...but maybe just this once! (Now God if you can just send me an equally fly man, I will be a good girl! :)) Anyway, the types of positions he was talking about - it was music to my ears, they were exactly what I wanted/looking for and the salaries, more beautiful music, they were more then I wanted or looking for haha.
Well, I wish I had more exciting things to report, I know all I've been talking about is work lately...it's all I'm thinking about. (I am sorry I entered in to the blog world in the middle of all this and not when I was out runnin the streets lol JUST KIDDING). Anyhow, I did walk in this morning only to find more projects and crap dumped on me, normally I would accept it with open arms and find a way to make it work. Right now, I just don't care and will tell my boss she needs to have some one either be a project manager or be an analyst, but I will not be BOTH anymore.

Oh wait, there is one thing... is chivelry really dead? Is it over, is it to much to ask in the year 2005 for a man to be a gentleman without being branded that woman?? That woman who just expects the man to do everything. That is not who I am, but what woman still doesn't like to be treated like a lady:). Someone please help, please answer me??:)

Oh and one final thing, my monitor blew up this weekend so that was an annoying unexpected expenditure! :( But now I have a 17" flat panal monitor at home! Is $250 reasonable for this? Did I spend to much or was that in line with how much they are running these days? At Best Buy it was cheaper to buy a new one, same size, on sale then an open box unit with no warrenty! Well, I just bought it, I didn't feel like shopping around for it and I am in the middle of a job search, I need a monitor!:) Anyway, does anyone know where I can take it to recycle or dispose of it?

Well all, my jumbled thoughts are coming to an end now, hopefully the next time I post I will be more focused...I just have so many things clouding up my clarity right now...my zen is off...until next time!